Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Even my vagina gasped.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
