I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
