My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
