I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
