You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
People in love make me want to vomit
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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