I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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