If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
