Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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