My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize