So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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