I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
