You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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