It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
