her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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