If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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