I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
