fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
