Even the bartender felt bad for me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
