We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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