drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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