Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
