i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Slut skills are useful in every country.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
