your parents love me but you hate me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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