My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
