There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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