Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
