I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
