I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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