Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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