At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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