then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
