Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
