I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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