Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
