I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
