first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize