OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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