I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
