so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
