saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
