do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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