Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
literally had 100 drinks last night.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize