I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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