well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
