Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Send help, water and tortillas.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
