MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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