Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
