Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
