I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
