The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
The ass gains better be worth it
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