i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
