am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize