The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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