You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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