he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize