I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
