A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
