When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
