I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
